I'm Doing the Best I Can

Y'know--I'm doing the best I can.
Well, maybe not my very best every day, but I really do try and I work very hard to accomplish all that has been given me to do--and then some.

I cook {a lot}, I wash {a lot of} dishes, clothes, faces, hands, bodies, floors, and diapers.
I make the beds, sweep the floors, and vacuum.
I disciple, discipline, correct, and instruct the children.

And still--it's not enough.

Because if I don't return an email immediately, I'm ignoring emails.
And if I don't answer the phone every time it rings, I'm ignoring people who call.
If I can't come to every (or any) Bible studies, I'm ignoring my responsibilities to the church.
If I'm overcome with it all and lose my patience, I'm a terrible mother.
And if I am out and about, well, shouldn't we really be home doing school???


Sometimes I need to decline an invitation because I don't know how in the world I'll fit it in with all the other things I need to do--and my calendar is basically empty.

I know very, very few people who have a family even remotely similar to mine (I'm certain there are other larger-than-average homeschooling families that live and work on a dairy farm--I just don't know them personally).
This season of motherhood, child-rearing, and child-bearing is just not conducive to a lot of outside-the-home activities, especially if they are recurring over a period of time (ie, a weekly event).  Few people understand this.

And so, I get criticized for staying home "too much", for not "going out" enough, for being a woman who finds fulfillment and peace and contentment staying at home.

I like being an at-home-mom, I like doing housework, I like taking care of my kids and teaching them.

Being a wife, living on a farm with children who have responsibilities outside, being a mother to many and growing another requires a lot of time and energy.

I'm tired.
Tired of trying to please everyone.
Tired of trying to explain to non- or mis-understanding ears why I am unable to do something or need to do it a different way.
Tired of being misrepresented and misunderstood.

I'm doing the best I can.
I really am.

And still, people get offended because of something I said or didn't say, something I did or didn't do, somewhere I went or didn't go.

It's so exhausting to have people hear things that I didn't say or read something here on my blog that I wasn't even saying.

I am a real person who struggles with real things in real life.
I enjoy real things and real people who lead real lives.

I put up with people that refer to my kids as "this one", "the other one", "what's-his-name" and "what-cha-ma-call-him".
I hear the comment when we arrive somewhere (in a big stage whisper) "Look--it's like a parade!" and I try to take it gracefully.

I know I cannot be responsible for how everyone else reacts to me, to my family, or to my blog; I know I have a responsibility to act courteously and respectfully--of this I am fully aware.
However, carrying the weight that belongs to others is just too heavy for me.

I don't have the strength to bear it anymore.
Because I'm tired, and there are other things that need my attention more.