Sunday, April 1, 2012

Let's Play Nice

I'm not sure how many of you have been following the conversation in the comment section of my post on letting God determine the size of one's family, but it's been quite a long one!  Yes, a long one but a good one in my opinion.

From here on out though I would ask for this change:
I will still allow anonymous comments, but would appreciate if you would sign your first name.  (I wouldn't know if you made it up either, would I?)



  1. know that I totally respect you and adore you. :)
    I think (not trying to speak for others here) that what people feel offended about is the suggestions that babies are dying b/c of the many of us who are or have taken birth control.
    When I read that I sort of felt like I was being accused of being responsible for the death of babies I never had. Yes I took the pill. Yes my husband has had a vasectomy. Yes we have four kids. Yes we get teased about it.
    But I guess I don't care that people think we are crazy. In my mind, we are to an extent. It is very difficult to afford four kids who are involved in activities, sports, arts, buying their food, clothing them, all those dental bills, etc etc. I don't like to rely on others for help. My parents have helped us out.
    Frankly for me, and only speaking for myself here, I don't know how I could afford more. It's not about living lavishly, it's about not going into debt. The government won't bail me out, I'm not a big bank! ;)
    But I did feel a little defensive. I am a Christian. To read what others say, not you my dear friend, but others say that a read Christian wouldn't be so cowardly....why all the extremes?
    We are all cowardly. We are all imperfect. We all wish we could be better. We all hide behind things in our lives. Are we the best people we can be? Do we love with all our hearts?
    I think the extreme black/white comments cause people to get excited. I am such a gray person. This probably goes against some peoples' sense of Christian values.
    I am just trying to assist in figuring out why people got so upset. Anytime ANYONE's ways of doing things: birth control, discipline, etc is called into question or suggested it's not quite right, people feel hurt and get upset.
    It goes both ways. If I said, "Oh Melissa you are so reckless to have nine kids," that would hurt you. I think it's great that you are following your heart. But not everyone will do that. Or maybe they are following their hearts. One way isn't better than the other. If we all live in a way to be loving to our children, God, and our families, that's what's most important.

    1. Thank you so much, Bonnie, for your comment here, for taking time to write out a thoughtful response and for your kind words. I appreciate your honesty and your willingness to tell me these things.
      I do want to address a few of the things you mentioned; please don't feel I'm picking it apart, I just want to be clear for others to read, too. You used the word "suggestion" when referring to babies dying because of birth control. To clarify--they DO die as a result of chemical birth control, ie the Pill, the Patch, IUDs. In fact, 5x as many babies die this way when compared to surgical abortions. I won't purport that those are intended abortions; certainly, if one is on the Pill they are trying to avoid pregnancy! Nonetheless, chemical contraceptives are abortifacient--they cause fertilized eggs (babies) to be expelled from the womb.

      Obviously, barrier methods or permanent sterilizations are not abortifacient.

      I honestly feel that I was not being accusatory; indeed, my motive was that of bringing awareness to an issue that I know many women are NOT aware of! I, myself, was blown away when that information was made known to me by a dear friend more than seven years ago.

      I think you are right when you say that anytime anyone's ways of doing things: birth control, discipline, etc is called into question or suggested it's not quite right, people feel hurt and get upset. Absolutely--I agree. It happens to me, too. Indeed, I felt a little defensive when reading through the comments. I thought some of them got a little out of hand, too.

      I keep thinking that the issue got muddied--I am a pretty black and white person; as much as you are gray, Bonnie, I'm black and white. And that's ok--we can still be friends! :)

    2. Okay first things first....Selena did you sell Premier? If so we roomed together in Des Moines AND shared a bed. Remember me???
      Melissa that's the beauty of all this. We can agree to disagree and neither one of us is upset. I mean yes do we disagree over some stuff? Certainly, but what people need to realize is that you and I both enjoy visiting (okay it's not like I've seen you in a long while) and we don't sit and get fixated on this stuff.
      We are both, as I hope most of the world is, trying to do our best in life.
      What matters that you are happy with your beliefs.
      And let's be real here. People can say what they want, and they do. My turn: for any woman who is so willing to sacrifice her body, sanity, sanity, etc as willingly as you are, you should be commended. Motherhood isn't easy. It affects us physically and mentally in ways only other women understand. I salute you Melissa. :)

    3. BONNIE!!! Yes, that's me :) I do remember, how are you?!

  2. I agree with TBRKO, somewhat. I have always said, "You should do what works best for YOUR family!"
    And I feel the same for me as well. We had 2 kids, I took the pill and my dh had a V...and I don't feel one bit guilty about the choices we've made. We prayed to God about having more after our first and felt confirmed we were suppose to have 1 more. After Abram we prayed and felt very clear God telling us that 2 was enough and so we decided to not have more. I suppose the argument here would be, "well if God was saying 2 was enough he wouldn't have allowed you to have more"...but I wasn't about to go that route, honestly I just wasn't. It was very clear after Abram God was telling us 2 was enough and to make it permanent. It's not fair for anyone to say that I/we didn't clearly hear the Lord's plan for us.
    I am excited for your life, and the future lives that you may bring into this world and I will support you and YOUR decisions/choices as you feel led by God.
    And I will never hide behind the screen :)

  3. I admire your passion. However, it is difficult to think everyone on this earth is going to live the same way. I am Catholic and active in the church, however you have to do what works best for YOU. Just like many others have mentioned. God wants us to be faithful, compassionate people, which also means we have to
    be understanding and accepting to others. I doesn't mean we have to agree with others, but you cannot become frustrated when others don't do what you think is "right" everyone has their own view of "right from wrong." All of the different cultures, views, and religions make us unique! Like I said, I admire your passion, but don't be discouraged because people don't want to live their life just as you live yours.


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