Friday, October 30, 2009


We are reeling this evening from some incredibly hurtful things that people said about us.

I won't go into great detail because my kids read this blog, but I will tell you about one of the encounters.

Four separate people, each of whom we deal with closely, each just totally stabbed us in the gut, all in the same day.

I am choosing to look at it, in part, in a thankful way. Thankful that at least now we know where we stand with them. And how from now on, I will be guarded in my interactions with them because my heart is not safe with them.

One of the people actually told my husband that he should stop having kids because having so many kids is hampering him from spreading the gospel.


He laid out how exactly that should happen--if you catch my drift (think procedure here)--and also said that I should go to work.
Because I am so "gifted" by being able to teach music lessons, that we are foolish for me to "have to go through all this over and over", that I could be making a lot of money if I would just go to work.

Dennis asked him if he thought we shouldn't have so many kids. He said he didn't mean the ones we already had, he just meant that we should stop having more. When Dennis told me about it, I said that if they had had this conversation six months ago (before finding out I was expecting our 8th) this man would have said the same thing.

I don't want to give this particular person so much credit by getting upset about it, but it does hurt me deeply.

I'll tell you why.

When people tell me something like this, what is really at the core--really at the core--is this:

they don't think my children are worthy of their own life.

That's what hurts me.
Say what you want about me, but when you tell me that my children are not worthy of life you wound me at my very core.

Some of you who read my blog probably share this man's opinion. I'm asking you--begging you--please don't share it with me.

Examine your heart and see if I'm not right about the root of that kind of thinking.

People pass judgment all the time on families who have "too many" kids. Tell me if the core of that kind of thinking isn't that you are deeming that those children are not worthy of their own lives.

For this man to say that my life is being wasted, staying at home and "going through this", I say this: no one needs me more than these children.
That doesn't stop once they reach school age. (He said he thought it was ok to stay home when kids were young, but once they are old enough for school, that's where they should be and at a job is where I should be.)
No kid who needs to learn piano needs me more than these children whom the Lord has entrusted to us.

No business needs my work more than these kids need me.

The way he spoke, it was the dollar that was more important to him than the souls within this family.

It was degrading, it was humiliating, it was awful.

And you know what else? He's not alone.
People in our family have implied the same things.
It's hurtful.

And it tells me that he, among others, have deemed that our children are not worthy of their own lives.

And that hurts.


  1. Melissa: Screw what other people say. Really if YOU are happy that's what matters.
    We also get comments about having four kids. I always say before they can, "Crazy aren't we?" I think in a sense, those of us who have kids are crazy. I just choose to think of it in a crazy-good way. We are 'crazy' for being willing to always have laundry to be done, never have enough food in our house, never enough money, etc. But the best part, is that we get to be crazy in love with as many children as we have.
    I get what you are saying..believe me.
    Hang in there. I don't think people mean to belittle you. If they do then the heck with 'em.

  2. I'm so sorry Melissa. I for one do not feel this way about large families. My dad comes from a family of nine siblings and so does my father in law. Just the other day I was talking about how amazing you are -- specifically talking about last year's old fashioned Christmas Pagaent -- you had precious baby Ruby, 2 toddlers and your older children and YOU were leading us in music -- AMAZING! God has gifted you with being a great mother and a great many other things. All of your children are well behaved and their love for each other is evident. That doesn't just happen. You are spreading the Gospel right in your home, which is most important of all... and with our homeschool group... and where ever your feet trod. My family/ some friends thought we should be done after two and especially after three since we "got our girl". It's really none of their business now is it? It's between us, our spouse and the Lord. Only we know what God has called us to do. Try not to take up offense, it's hard, this forgiveness thing. :) But not everybody gets it. Time to go see the Heppner's tomorrow!! ;)

  3. Wow. I was thinking that your very philosphy on child bearing (that you let God decide) is a very powerful way of spreading the Gospel in and of itself. I have been saying a lot lately that people see what they want to see and it isn't likely that we are going to change their minds. I am sorry that the words of this person hurt you in any way. I love you and all of your beautiful children. And I often wish I was musically gifted not so that I can go out and make money at it, but so that I could lead my children in song and sing to them in a way that would make me happy.

  4. Wow, the ignorance of some people is amazing sometimes. How priorities can get so turned around is, is...I'm at a loss. One can only pray a little wisdom will come their way. Chin up and know we ARE behind you guys. Take comfort in knowing that God has carried you thus far and few careless words will never change the Truth. -Aaron

  5. Melissa

    I have to be perfectly honest. I can't imagine having that many children myself. But I know it's because I don't have the capacity for patience, selflessness, and self-discipline that you do. And I also believe that as long as you provide a good home for your children, it's absolutely no one's business how many you have. I am constantly in awe of you as a mother and I hope you are proud of yourself and your family.


  6. Unbelievable!! I would suggest to that person to look at 1 Peter 3:8,9. That person needs to look at himself to see if he is truly a Christian. Keep standing firm Melissa!! (I know you will) You have a special gift from God to teach and raise the kids in a special way. I have a question for that gentlemen, "What is more important money, or peoples salvation in Jesus Christ?"


  7. I was just crying as i read this. I am so sorry for yalls pain. your children are BEAUTIFUL, fun, and most certainly WORTHY of life and Gods love. I konw it hurts when people say things...however...they have NO IDEA. You do an AMAZING job. We love you and those beautiful babies :)

    Josiah and Trish


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